daffodilly days.

Best Concerts of 2009:
- Brandi Carlile, Schnitzer Concert Hall, Portland.
I think this is the ONLY concert I went to ALL YEAR.

Albums I listened to the most in 2009:
- Give Up the Ghost, Brandi Carlile
- Emotionalism, Avett Brothers
- Big Whiskey & the GrooGrux King, Dave Matthews Band
- The Open Door EP, Death Cab for Cutie
- The Hazards of Love, the Decemberists
- Break Up, Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson

Best Movies of 2009:
- Star Trek
- I Love You, Man
- Up!
- Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince
- Away We Go

Best TV of 2009:
- LOST
- The Office
- Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert
- Modern Family
- Project Runway
- Gilmore Girls (We finally finished the series on DVD! Hurrah!)

The Most Upsetting Thing of 2009:
- Abuse of Iran protesters; Uighur & Han Chinese street riots/massacres; shootings in Binghamton & Fort Hood; Sarah Palin publishing a book.

The Best Thing That Made Me Hopeful For Humanity & Politics:
- Gay marriage slowly but surely inching its way forward. Health care reform passing the house and senate, Republicans be damned. Reading countless touching human interest stories in the Oregonian that made me cry.

The Best Things I Did in 2009:
- Spent Christmas with Kathy for the first time
- Got engaged
- Had a picture published in a real live book about Harvard Square. At least supposedly, I haven't actually seen the book yet.
- Officially started the Library Media program at PSU; all straight A's so far
- Applied to GTEP at PSU, took that education class, spent time in that middle school
- Started volunteering with SMART
- Passed 250 hours of volunteering with the library at Title Wave
- Did some serious gardening, consumed some food I grew myself
- Loved the animals
- Celebrated five years with Kathy
- Updated my blog on a somewhat regular basis
- Read a lot.

The Absolute Most Fun:
- Trip to Boston in April for the Boston Marathon & to visit lots of friendsies!
- UNC winning the national championship! Attending some first round NCAA tournament games at the Rose Garden.
- The Month of Visitors in June: traveling around the Northwest with Dad, Mom, Jeff, Mary, Steph, Sam, and Luis!
- East Coast Wedding Extravaganza in October: Peggy & Justin in NC; Meg & Dennis at Niagara Falls!
- Hanging out with Ellie & Matt, Erin & Grey in Portland
- Anniversary stay at the Nines
- Christmas vacation in PA & NC.

States I Spent Time in in 2009:
- Oregon
- Washington
- Massachusetts
- New York
- Virginia, & DC
- North Carolina
- Pennsylvania

Things I spent too much money on:
- Taco Bell, like whoa. Fast food in general, like whoa.
- The animals.
- Credit card payments.
- Car stuff: gas, oil changes, getting new front brakes and tires. Blech. I long to use public transportation more.
- Gym membership, just because I never used it enough to merit the money.

Best Books I Read:
- A Series of Unfortunate Events (all 13 of 'em), Lemony Snicket
- Walk Two Moons, Sharon Creech
- Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, Barbara Kingsolver (I had just a few problems with this book, but still found it inspiring, and still love her)
- Blankets, Craig Thompson
- Schooled, Gordon Korman
- The Power of Reading, 2nd ed., Stephen Krashen
- The Absolutely True Story of a Part Time Indian, Sherman Alexie
- The View From Saturday, E.L. Konigsburg
- The Thief Lord, Cornelia Funke
- Athletic Shorts and Chinese Handcuffs, Chris Crutcher
- There Are No Shortcuts, Rafe Esquith
- A Long Way Gone, Ishmael Beah
- The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald (re-read)
- The Westing Game, Ellen Raskin (re-read)
- A Year Down Yonder, Richard Peck
- Of Mice and Men, John Steinbeck
- Olive Kitteridge, Elizabeth Strout

Things I'm Looking Forward to in 2010:
- School. Hopefully getting into GTEP; beginning that program and starting various student teaching experiences.
- This will be a year of really hunkering down and working hard on working, saving money & doing well in school, which the end of 2009 was as well. This means less random daytrips, vacations, and eating out, but hopefully there will still be a little of all of that, too.
- In particular I'd like to make a trip at some point to Philly, which I have been saying for the last two or three years, or however long it's been since my sister moved there.
- LOST! The final season!
- Spending more time with cousin Meg & Dennis while we are all living in the same place.
- Starting to plan a wedding. Setting a date, finding a good reception site.
- Having visitors yet again! Kathy's parents hopefully, Dad & maybe my aunt Anita!
- My favorite small things: reading, hiking, gardening, biking & running more! Going to more awesome Northwest festivals!
- Another Pennsylvania/North Carolina Christmas, especially since this one was so awesome.
- One day, not sure when but definitely some time this year before I start student teaching, I will quit my job.

Things That I Really Want to Happen But Who Knows:
- I really want to attend more theater/concerts/cultural things this year. Although that involves money, which I don't really have, but a girl can dream.
- Being able to save up enough money for classes for summer semester, which I have to take but which financial aid will not cover.
- More trips to Seattle, more trips to the coast with just Kathy & I, trips to all those national parks out here I keep saying I'll visit.
- Seeing all the people I love more, but this would also involve money and an unlimited supply of plane tickets.
- Having Toby with us for another full year.

Best Concerts of 2008:
- Brandi Carlile with the Seattle Symphony at Symphony Hall, Seattle.
- Hanson at the Aladdin, Portland.
And I think those might have been the only concerts I went to? But they were both so incredibly awesome that I'm fine with it.

Albums Songs I listened to the most in 2008:
(This has been a pretty pathetic musical year for me. I don't think I bought one album that really sticks out as meaningful. How horrible. I mainly listened to the same records I listened to last year. Except I suppose I did listen to The Walk a lot more than I ever did. Oh, and Viva La Vida by Coldplay was pretty good. I did listen to a lot of random songs a whole bunch, though such as: )
- Mona Lisas & Mad Hatters, Elton John
- It's a New Day, will.i.am
- Umbrella - Rhianna f. Jay-Z
- Another Way to Die - Jack White & Alicia Keys
- You are the Best Thing - Ray LaMontagne

Song That I Heard 109231483247 Times But Shockingly Still Found Catchy Every Time:
- Love Song, Sara Bareilles

Best Movies of 2008:
- Milk
- Wall-E
- Iron Man
- Mamma Mia!

& since working at Blockbuster where I have way more free rentals than I could ever actually have time to watch, I've been trying to rent older movies that I've somehow never seen. Of these, the best ones I've watched this year were:
- Good Morning Vietnam
- Billy Elliott
- Annie Hall

Best TV of 2008:
- The Office
- Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert
- Ugly Betty
- How I Met Your Mother
- Gossip Girl
- Project Runway
- Repeats of these are always enjoyed: Gilmore Girls, Roseanne, Coach, Home Improvement, the Cosby Show

The Most Upsetting Thing of 2008:
- Prop 8. Zimbabwe. Iraq & Afghanistan, still.

The Best Thing That Made Me Hopeful For Humanity & Politics:
- Obama. A town in Oregon electing a transgender mayor; Portland electing its first openly gay mayor.

The Best Things I Did in 2007:
- Got a kitten and a dog.
- Took classes at PCC. Took a class at PSU.
- Got a mug for volunteering over 100 hours at the library.
- Stuck with a job I thought I hated. Got a second job even though that's not fun. Tried to not use credit cards as much.
- Went to the doctor for a checkup for the first time in years.
- Loved Kathy.

The Absolute Most Fun:
- Chris & Tee's wedding in Jersey.
- Kim & Cliff's wedding in Virginia.
- Our weekend trip to the coast.
- Families visiting.
- Vacation to Lake Tahoe.

States I Spent Time in in 2008:
- Oregon
- Washington
- California
- Nevada
- Pennsylvania
- New York

Not as impressive as last year's list, but I'll take it. It seems crazy, and sad, to me though that Massachusetts isn't on this list. Nor is North Carolina. And Pennsylvania & New York are really only on here for like a second.

Things I spent too much money on:
- Burgerville milkshakes
- Taco Bell volcano tacoes
- Jamba Juice
- Vet visits; crap for the animals.

Best Books I Read:
- A Walk in the Woods, Bill Bryson
- Maniac Magee, Jerry Spinelli
- Am I Blue? Coming Out of the Silence, ed. by Marion Dane Bauer
- Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert
- Locomotion, Jaqueline Woodson
- A Long Way from Chicago, Richard Peck
- The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Ann Brashares

Right, so, I read a lot of children's books in 2008, and will probably continue to do so in 2009.

Things I'm Looking Forward to in 2009:
- Going to Boston in April to see the Marathon and all our peeps and the T and the Common and the North End and everything everything.
- Getting into grad school, for real?! Hopefully?! Since I've already spent a lot of money and time on the prerequisites for my program?! And soon thereafter, going to grad school?!
- Quitting my second job, just so that I have more time to do Things For Me.
- Winter being over, spring and summer coming to Oregon again when it is such a lovely time here and I can hike again, bike more, go to the coast, garden!
- Spending Christmas together with Kathy for the first time ever.

Things That I Really Want to Happen But Who Knows:
- Trip to the East Coast in the summer, mainly, to Philly/DC, to visit my sister and family with Kathy. I've also daydreamed about squeezing a road trip to Virginia/North Carolina from Philly/DC onto this.
- Trip to LA to visit Sam and Steve, again.
- Updating my photo journal on a regular basis; writing more, about anything.
- Going to Crater Lake National Park & Olympic National Park.
- Losing twenty pounds. No but for real.
- Doing something really crazy & fun for Kathy's & my five year anniversary.

I spent the last two hours of today reading through old journal entries and listening to music, and every now and then when this happens it's like a sickness that I can't stop once I start and most of the time it ends up making me feel like crap, but sometimes, it makes me just think, Thank God. I remember who I am again. Tonight, that moment came when I read over this gem from a little over a year ago:

"I used to be this really melodramatic, romantic person who really believed that like, road trips and really good records were enough to get you by, that shit like that was all you needed, but then rent and school loan repayments got in the way."

Straight up. I don't know why my head is constantly so muddled over my bank account. Road trips and really good records obviously ARE what get you by. Know when the last time I bought a good record was? I don't know. Know when the last time I went to a really good concert was? I don't know.

We had so much freaking fun when we lived in Boston, & since moving to Portland I feel like Kathy's & my relationship has only gotten stronger because we've grown up so much. I've replaced drinking a lot with really fun people with reading a lot in bed, & that's okay. But man. Someone recommend me a really good record.

Really quick update on life - I have been meaning to write a more in depth update on life for quite awhile, but the way time is going recently, I realize this more in depth version is probably never going to happen, so here goes the abridged version:

- Went to LA! It was awesome. And hot. And smoggy. Went to the San Diego Zoo Wild Animal Park. Spent lots of great time with Sam and Steve. Saw Erial. Saw Shelby! SAW TED FROM QUEER AS FOLK at drag queen bingo at a bar in West Hollywood. Went to Griffith Planetarium; recalled that time Kathy made me watch Rebel Without a Cause and I halfway slept through half of it, inspiring awe and anger from her about it to this day. Hated the traffic, but wished we could go back all the time.
- Went to our first Portland Pride. Wasn't as epic as Boston Pride felt to me, but I still cried through most of it. I don't know why Pride makes me react this way. Also, related but separate: Felt happy about California gay marriages, of course, but still slightly bewildered at the West Coast/nationwide reaction at this being 'revolutionary' and 'going down in history' - it's strange, but I feel like no one knows gay marriage is legal in Massachusetts and has been for quite some time, and in a way is more impressive than California because it has held out through so many attempts to dismantle it, and so, at this point, is pretty much permanent. I hope and pray California's goes the same way, but we'll have to wait and see.
- Got a dog! An old German Shephard mix named Toby. He is really big. And calm. And old. So old, in fact, that the Humane Society gave him to us for free because they knew no one else would take him. So far, his presence in our lives has granted us 1) A lot more time outside in our neighborhood than ever before due to daily walks, 2) A visit to our Sexy Latino Vet Man, 3) A very expensive yet fun shopping trip to Petco/Target, 3) A lot of anxiety over the fact that he is three times the size of our cats and could kill them if he wanted to, 4) The problem of trying to not make our apartment smell like dog.
- Started taking classes, real classes, for the first time in over two years. Which seems like a really long time and not a very long time all at once. I'm taking Spanish II, but only as a community ed course but I'm hoping to treat it as a real class so I actually learn a lot; Intro to Children's Lit, and Human Development. Human Development seems like it could be annoying at times but good at other times; Children's Lit seems like it will be amazing at all times. Writing "Started taking classes" sounds less dramatic to my life than it feels. It feels very important, very different, but it would take longer to explain it.
- Saw Wall-E tonight with Kathy, and I LOVED IT.

To follow up on some of the really depressing things I've been writing lately...

I think I have a job! Well, it's kind of strange. It's definitely not using my degree, and it definitely doesn't pay a lot, but it would be 40 hours a week and potentially a lot of fun. (It involves working with kids, which I've never done before, so...I better become a kid person pretty fast.) The only kind of glitch is that I've also recently applied for an administrative job with Powell's, the deadline for which was today. So if I hear from them, I would rather take that, since it's working with books, which is what I want. Only I'm doubtful about it anyway, even though I feel like I'm super qualified (being as I 1) have a degree in Writing, Literature, & Publishing 2) Worked at Barnes and Noble before and 3) Am volunteering with the library, and so it is pretty obvious I have experience with books. Although I actually didn't sell many books at Barnes and Noble, but they don't have to know that. Anyway.), working at Powell's is pretty much the dream of every geeky, English major twenty something living in Portland. And I've heard it's kind of a depends-on-who-you-know deal to actually work there. Also, I feel like most of the people who work there are really pretentious. But aaanyway! I'm going in for a few shifts this week at the potential job to "try it out" she said and if I like it, it's mine, and I can actually choose between a 40 hour or a 30 hour position because they're both open but I have priority. I have to say, it feels pretty nice. I'll still be poor, but all in all, there are a lot of advantages to it. Although of course, after the anxiety of unemployment, just enters the anxiety of having to start a new job.

More details later. Mainly I feel relieved that 1) I can tell my parents I have a job and 2) everybody doesn't have to hear me bitching anymore.

A few days late, but pretend it's not 2008 yet. Copied from last year.

Best Concerts of 2007:
- Brandi Carlile @ the Avalon, Boston.
- Brandi Carlile @ the Crystal Ballroom, Portland.
- Andrew Bird @ the Berklee Performance Center, Boston.
- Pete Yorn @ the Avalon, Boston.

Albums I listened to the most in 2007, most of which probably didn't actually come out in 2007:
- The Story, Brandi Carlile.
So I am kind of obsessed with this girl and not going to lie about it. I listened to this CD a ridiculous amount. It kind of got me through the move to Oregon; anytime I feel anxious or weird or depressed I listen to this. It's like a hot home cooked meal.
- Funeral, Arcade Fire.
So I know this is their old album but I have yet to get into Neon Bible. This is really, really closely just behind The Story, because there was a long period during the summer when this was all I listened to. Will always, always bring me back to 2007 in Boston.
- The Avalanche, Sufjan Stevens.
I almost enjoy this as much as Illinoise now. I can listen to this over and over and not get sick of it, either. So many highlights here, but I think my favorite moment of the whole album comes just about thirty seconds into "Springfield, or Bobby Got a Shadfly Stuck in His Hair." I breathe this big satisfied sigh whenever it happens.
- Futures, Jimmy Eat World.
I feel like it is a super uncool thing to like Jimmy Eat World, but I have loved this ever since Phil burned it for me in the summer.
- The Crane Wife/Picaresque, The Decemberists.
I'm choosing two albums because they have so many and I only just got into them this year that I think I get to pick two. There was a good week or two in Boston when I listened to the combination of The Engine Driver/On the Bus Mall over and over and over and then a few months later in Portland there was a good week or two when I listened the Crane Wife 1&2, all eleven minutes of it, almost continuously on repeat in the car.

Best Movies of 2007:
- Knocked Up
- American Gangster
- Charlie Wilson's War
- Superbad
- Hairspray
And of course there are always probably 100 awesome movies that I never actually get to see.

Best TV of 2007:
- Gilmore Girls, I know it's not on anymore and it's also probably extremely uncool to love as much as I do, but I love it I love it I love it it's sick.
- Ugly Betty
- So I'm not yet into the Kristin Bell Season 2 of it, but Kathy and I rented the first season of Heroes on DVD and watching it was one of the most intense and sickeningly addictive TV experiences I've ever had.
- Season four of the L Word, which we are currently going through a marathon of. I still have a few episodes left but it is pretty kick ass so far.

The Most Upsetting Thing That I Still Can't Really Think About:
- Virginia Tech.

The Best Thing That Made Me Hopeful For Humanity & Politics:
- Gay marriage totally staying in Massachusetts forever.

The Best Things I Did in 2007:
- Moved across the country to a completely new place just because I could and wanted to.
- The New England road trip. Probably a bad financial decision, but so worth it.
- The cross country road trip. Probably a bad financial decision, but so worth it.
- Started volunteering at the library.
- Actually started working towards the goal of becoming fluent in Spanish.
- Got a real Christmas tree for the first time on our own. Started really building a home.
- Started reading the paper on a regular basis.
- Started to actually learn how to cook.
- Quit Starbucks even though it scared me to do it.

The Absolute Most Fun:
- Trivia Nights at Sweetwater with Kathy, Keegan, Allie, Sarah. When I think about it now I realize this was probably some of the most fun I will ever have, ever.
- Working at Summer Street, sometimes. Befriending Keegan, Phil, Jill D., Mike.
- Thanksgiving 2007.

States I Spent Time in in 2007:
- Massachusetts
- Pennsylvania
- New York
- New Hampshire
- Maine
- Vermont
- The District of Columbia
- Ohio
- Indiana
- Illinois
- Wisconsin
- Minnesota
- South Dakota
- Wyoming
- Idaho
- Oregon
- California
- Washington

Ice Cream Flavors I Ate the Most Of [And I Ate a Lot]:
So last year it was Ben & Jerry's and although I have consumed way, way too much of that as well, recently I am kind of moving on to pints of Hagen Daz, and so I'll honor that fine company this year. I am such a healthy person!
- Peanut Butter Chocolate
- Vanilla Swiss Almond

Best Books I Read:
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, J.K. Rowling
- I am the Messenger, Markus Zusak
- One Hundred Years of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez. This has the best first line of a novel I believe I will ever read.
- The Best American Travel Writing 2004, ed. Pico Iyer
- The Grapes of Wrath, John Steinbeck

Things I'm Looking Forward to in 2008:
- Seeing the Trailblazers v. the Celtics in February. They are both like, really good this year! It's kinda funny.
- Cirque du Soleil in March.
- Going to Lake Tahoe, for practically free!! at some point.
- My cousin Chris's wedding in April.
- Getting another kitty!!
- March Madness. More Tarheels.
- My family visiting in the spring.
- Taking Kathy skiing for her first time ever.
- When the weather finally gets good, hiking like crazy.
- A new job. More financial security, maybe.
- Applying to Portland State.
- Spending as much time as possible with Kim & Cliff before they leave. A trip together to Crater Lake, hopefully.
- Gardening.
- Buying a bike. Biking.

Things That I Really Want to Happen But Who Knows:
- Trip to LA to visit Sam and Steve when I just can't deal with the rain anymore.
- Trip to DC to watch my sister graduate from law school.
- Trip to Boston & North Carolina in the summer.
This is a lot of trips, but I like being ambitious/unrealistic.

Things I want to do more of in 2008:
- Read. Read. Read.
- Exercise. Eat better. Go to the farmer's market all the time.
- See more movies. I love going to the movies, it always makes me happy, yet I hardly ever do it. Why? I don't know.
- Drive less.
- Listen to more music. So much more. I feel like I am losing my grasp on something that once meant everything to me.
- Take more pictures. So many more pictures.

When explaining my fears of leaving Boston and bursting into tears, Sarah says, "No, it won't happen like that. You'll drive across country and be so excited by everything you see, and then you'll get to Portland and be so busy with everything new in Portland. Once you've settled down a bit, then you'll start to miss Boston." I don't know how she knew.

Over these last two months with exploring so many new places - the country, then Portland - I missed Boston as a place, as the environment I surrounded myself with for five years. I missed the T most of all; I still desperately do. (I realized the other day with sudden certainty that I am addicted to my car. Although convenient, and although I do admit that I love driving, this makes me feel guilty and strange. The last time I was dependent on my car, I was in high school.) I missed the skyline, the Hancock Building and the Pru, such assurances every time, saying You Live in a Big Bright City, this is home. I missed the Common, I missed Coolidge Corner, Anna's Taqueria, on and on and on. This all seemed somewhat expected, I understood how much I loved Boston when I was there. Lately, as time is going on, I am starting to really remember our apartment. The other day I was laying in bed and pictured laying in bed in our old apartment, and I realized it was the first time I had really thought of that apartment, in a serious way, in weeks, like I had to try to remember what it looked like and try even harder for what it felt like. Moving out was such a traumatic and exhausting experience - so much crap we acccumulated, we had never moved across country before! It took ages and ages to clean everything out and each time we thought we were making progress there'd be so much more to go through, to clean, to get rid of, and then the morning we were supposed to leave, five straight hours of taking whatever was left to the dumpster on empty stomachs and little sleep, not caring anymore, feeling like it was never going to happen, getting mad at each other, and then finally, it was empty, I left without sorrow, we stopped at Dunkin Donuts and were gone.

I feel like my days of real city apartment living are over; I miss laying in bed in that apartment and being able to flip on my stomach and stare out the window three stories down at the people walking on the street, at people boarding and getting off the T, at the billboard on the cafe across the street, at the cars and taxis honking their horns. Then there was that tiny, tiny kitchen, where two people couldn't really fit in it comfortably at once, where I spent so many hours washing dishes and making dinner for Kathy and I, and then eating it on that damn wonderful couch while discovering TiVo. The old, rattley, great windows in the living room. And then as the memories of the apartment start to fade, the memories of the people come crashing in. It almost seems too obvious to state that I miss trivia nights; some of the most fun I have ever had, maybe that I ever will. I miss Allie, we are so much the same. I miss talking to Keegan on a regular basis; when I think about it, I believe I started to let him know me better than I let most people. I miss Meredith, although we didn't get to see each other as much as we would've liked, she is so wonderful. I miss Sarah, I miss Phil, I miss Jill D., I miss Jenn both as my old boss and a person. I can call these people, I can write on their Facebook walls, but it is not the same; with the exception of maybe Allie, I couldn't call them and gab to them for hours everyday because I wouldn't know what to say. I need to see them in person on a regular basis to feel comfortable telling them what I ate last night, what movies I want to see, who was really mean to me at work the other day, how slow the T was. Small things, but I think maybe having people to tell these small things to on a regular basis is important to mental health. I miss my old co-workers, a lot. Mike! I forget about Mike, how much he made me laugh, but he never came to our parties like he promised, that bastard. They respected me and there was this comfort level where I knew my sense of humor was always appreciated. Being the new person at work here, I feel like I am still constantly working to gain people's respect, even if I believe I've gained it with most people. But the people are different. Most of the people I worked with in Boston were gay, liberal, or just exceedingly cynical and jaded. At work now, I am working almost entirely with Christians - three of them go to bible college here, at least two of them have done missionary work - and I am pretty positive I am the only queer there. Kathy was friends with most of my old co-workers and I felt comfortable talking about her all the time; here, I am not so sure, and I have to hold myself back from saying stuff like - fuck, shit, godammit, hell, jesus - which, well, I kind of got used to saying all the fucking time in Boston.

I understand it takes time to make friends, and I'm sure we will here eventually. I am not unhappy here because the truth is is that most of the time, I'm at my happiest and most content just being with Kathy, and all the time together has been so wonderful. But we have been getting in some stupid fights recently, we have been getting stressed out, when I know that we shouldn't be. But not having any friends here other than Zoe and not really liking our jobs has to be getting to us when we are used to having our lives be full of people who love us, and jobs where we used to have fun a lot of the time, no matter how much we complained about them.

This might sound over the top, but I am even missing my old gym lately. I miss the 24 hour Shaw's. I miss all the little things that made up my day to day life over the last year and a half. I am starting to realize that the last year of my life - even though I was so unsure about it at first, as all of our best friends from college left, as I was constantly wondering if staying in Boston was just out of laziness, wondering about my next step - may have been one of the best, happiest years I have ever known. I wonder why it always goes like this, that you can't truly appreciate something until you step away from it, until it is gone. I feel like I have probably written that last sentence a hundred time before. It seems unfair, but at the same time I understand, it's probably not. I should be learning something, every time I write that sentence, and maybe, I'd like to hope, I am.

Things I Will Miss in Boston:

+ The T.
+ Anna's Taqueria.
+ Boston Common & the Public Gardens.
+ The North End & Mike's Pastry.
+ The Red Sox. [The fans.]
+ People from Revere, and the way they say 'Revere.'
+ The commuter rail.
+ Spike's hot dogs.
+ Pizzanini.
+ Coolidge Corner & Brookline Booksmith.
+ So Good Jewelry.
+ Thinking about how I should spend more time in Cambridge and JP.
+ Gay marriage.
+ Finale.
+ Zaftig's.
+ The Museum of Science.
+ Filene's Basement.
+ Cape Ann: Gloucester & Rockport.
+ The Christian Science Center.
+ Fire and Ice.
+ Shaw's.
+ Abbreviated street names: Comm Ave; Mass Ave.
+ Loews Boston Common.
+ Sweetwater Cafe, Tuesday trivia nights.

What I Will Actually Miss:
+ My friends.



I feel more exhausted and drained right now than I have ever been; there is so much to say but no energy to say it. Parts of me are flled with the numbness of grief, other parts are filled with terror, and other parts which I'll find easier to access once we're actually on the road are filled with an enormous gratitude and joy at what we're doing.

I have been anxiously awaiting/desiring tomorrow for quite a while now - my last day of work. With the week we'll have left in Boston to pack/get rid of our furniture/say goodbye to our city, along with the two weeks or more we'll be spending on the road, I'll have almost a month of being unemployed - the longest since I was maybe 16. (Okay, not counting the semester I spent in Europe.) It feels strange, and exciting, and terrifying financially, and I couldn't be more grateful/ready. As for while we're still in Boston, I truly do need more time to get things done and my last day couldn't have come sooner. But now that it's here, I find myself feeling surprisingly sad about it, even if it is in a peaceful way. As stupid as it sounds, Starbucks took up so much of my Boston life, and not just the last ten months or so I've spent at this particular store, but it includes all the hellish stories of Faneuil Hall, such an intensely Boston experience I couldn't have experienced it anywhere else, and it includes memories with friends like Steve and Zoe and Allie and Meredith (and Sarah and Keegan and Nick and on and on), it includes all the crazy Starbucks parties of last summer, it includes almost everything. You know, it's weird. I've been here for five years, and four of those were pretty solidly taken up by Emerson College. Starbucks has taken up two and a half. Yet, when I think about what my life in Boston has been like, I don't think of Emerson first. I mean, it was a wonderful experience, so many intelligent people, my girlfriend, the best friends I'll ever have. But I usually think of Starbucks first. It was great being around highly educated people with their fancy video equipment, their expensive cameras, but when you get right down to it, I've learned that I'm just the kind of person who would rather spend their days with down to earth, normal and everything but normal people who aren't ashamed to be slinging lattes for barely above minimum wage. They're much less pretentious, and most of the time, they make me laugh more, and a lot of the times, they've taught me more than Emerson College ever could. So, even though probably none of them will be reading this, thanks.

Tomorrow Kathy & I embark on our whirlwind New England Road Trip, which I have been planning all summer but now that it is here I'm having a hard time believing is actually happening. Or rather, I am just not in my crazy reading-tour-guides-24-hours-a-day mood I was in for awhile a month or so ago. I mean, I read the Eyewitness Travel New England guidebook from cover to cover, who does that, and also a book called Massachusetts Curiosities and then I bought a bigger Eyewitness Travel guide for the entire USA to plan the cross-country trip, etc. etc. and planning road trips was pretty much all I thought about. In this somewhat crazed period I typed out a very detailed itinerary for the first day of this New England Road Trip on Word, but never got very much past that. I thought maybe I'd finish up typing the plans today but am deciding instead to wing it for the rest of the three days, since I started to worry about overplanning and lacking any real adventure. Although let's be honest, I've studied guidebooks and maps so much in the last few months that all of my plans are permanently inscripted on my brain and there really won't be that much "winging it."

In any case, here are some of the highlights of our plans for the next four days!

(Massachusetts)
- A drive around Cape Ann, which I've done before and which is quite lovely, but Kathy never has
- Halibut Point State Park, which I visited once with my brother two summers ago, and which I found pictures from the other day while going through photos on my computer to save onto disk, and then wasted some time making this panorama from. Although to understand how big those rocks are/the scope of the land, you really have to look at this picture first and make out the little people walking in the middle of it.
- A house in Rockport which is almost entirely made out of newspaper, built by some crazy guy who figured out newspaper made good insulation, and then, for whatever reason, thought hey, why not make a whole house out of it? This I obviously found out about in Massachusetts Curiosities, and I have to say, I'm pretty pumped about it.

- Lunch in Portsmouth, NH at the Friendly Toast, recommended to us by many! ("Many" meaning "two.")

(Maine)
- A stop in Yarmouth to see Eartha, the world's largest globe, which is going to be AMAZING.
- A drive along the craggy, strange Maine Coast
- Acadia National Park! I've wanted to go here for so long.
- A stay with my aunt and uncle in their tiny little Maine town

(New Hampshire)
- The White Mountains! I was fully planning on driving up Mount Washington in order to gain one of those "This car climbed Mt. Washington" bumper stickers, but am now thinking maybe not, because it costs $20 per person, I think, and we are REALLY POOR and are going to be spending so much money on other things this trip and, well, $40 seems like kind of a lot in light of that, and also, our car is real old and I don't want to push it anymore than we have to. But, we will totally taking part in other things like:
- Crawford Notch State Park and Franconia Notch State Park
- This awesome looking aerial tram
- This awesome looking flume gorge thing
- Hopefully lots of random hiking and waterfall-seeing.

(Vermont)
- The Ben & Jerry's factory, duhhh. I eat so much Ben & Jerry's that it's really pretty disgusting.
- Lunch in Burlington!
- Lots of driving along the Green Mountains!

And then there's some more random stuff once we get back in Massachusetts if we have time. Like the Massachusetts Museum of Contemporary Art, which is apparently HUGE but way over in the western corner of the state. Even though I haven't seen a lot of it outside of eastern Massachusetts, I am already pretty much completely in love with New England and so know that I will be dying of nerdy happiness the whole trip and I need to buy a lot of film and I hope our car doesn't die or that I don't fall asleep while driving or something.

The Big One, meaning the two week cross country road trip, is rapidly approaching as well - less than a month! - two weeks left of work! - and I am somewhat unexpectedly but surely starting to freak out a little about things. It seems like I have so much left to do - find an apartment in Portland, for instance, and oh yeah, sell/get rid of/box up and mail off approximately 80% of all of our belongings/figure out how I'm going to pay for everything when I very literally have pretty much no savings or money for this crazy adventure. And oh yeah, on top of that, try to spend as much time with our friends here as possible/avoid emotional meltdown. Again, when I was in that travel-guide-road-trip-all-the-time state of mind, this road trip across country was all I could think about, and while it still seems amazingly awesome, I have slipped back into a business-as-normal mood lately, and so it all seems further away the closer it gets. Also, while I was in that travel-guide-road-trip-all-the-time mode, I was pretty severely also in a really-hating-work mode, for some reason, and as of late am back into a I-don't-mind-work-that-much mode, mainly due to some pretty awesome co-workers, which is probably also contributing to this sudden onslaught of cold feet. I'm also starting to think more about moving across the country from my family when a number of exciting-family-things like weddings and babies seems to be happening. Don't get me wrong, I am utterly excited to move to Oregon, I think it's going to be beautiful and amazing and full of so many better opportunities for where I want my life to go, and so many of my closest friends are now on the West Coast, and the cross country road trip will probably be one of the most amazing things Kathy and I ever do in our lifetime. But so much of my life still seems so firmly rooted to this place, and I have a feeling that on the eve of our departure, half of me might want to wrap my arms around myself, look down at the floor and, pouting, say, "I don't wanna leave!" Even though this whole crazy adventure was 100% my idea, my dream.

But in any case. See you in four days.